


Winter is brutal when you’re missing home

by besonders



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: A Playlist To Go With The Fic, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Background Relationships, Boys In Love, Character Death, Death, Emotional, Emotional Hurt, Falling In Love, Friendship/Love, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Lost Love, Love Confessions, Love/Hate, M/M, Miya Atsumu in Love, Music, Pining Miya Atsumu, Pining Sakusa Kiyoomi, Pro Volleyball Player Sakusa Kiyoomi, Sad, Sad Ending, Sad Miya Atsumu, SakuAtsu, Sakusa Kiyoomi Is Bad With Emotions, not much comfort, sad sakusa kiyoomi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:16:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26977222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/besonders/pseuds/besonders
Summary: “Winter really is harsh this year.”“I agree.”They both sat in a calming silence, shuffling through photos.Sakusa couldn’t help but let his mind wonder and his regrets grow.If only he held on to him.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi, Miya Osamu/Suna Rintarou
Comments: 19
Kudos: 130





	Winter is brutal when you’re missing home

**Author's Note:**

> I made a playlist that goes along with the fic https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1COEuPdGrvSyQYcHKPqmTt?si=XWqN_J1iRSOeI3400MpcmQ
> 
> The fist song to come up in one of the memories is “Why’d you only call me when you’re high?” by the artic monkeys. The next song to come up in a different one of the memories is “Bruise cruise” by puma blue. I suggest y’all listen to those songs on repeat during those scenes, ya know to just get the whole vibe of it lol. (btw you’ll know the song scenes because the lyrics are in italics!) 
> 
> anyways, I hope you enjoy it!

Osamu was confused when he opened the door to see it was Sakusa who was knocking.

“oh, Sakusa, um come in.” Osamu said opening the door a little wider and stepping to the side so Sakusa could come in.

Osamu looked tired, he could tell Osamu was not doing too well, dressed in sweats and a t shirt and his eyes were full of sleep with bags underneath them.

“I know this is kind of sudden, I apologize.” Sakusa said, taking a few steps inside Osamu’s dimly lit apartment before slipping his shoes off and shrugging his coat off of his shoulders and placing it on the rack.

“No no, it’s fine I promise. Here, we can go to the livin room.” Osamu said shutting the door and leading them into his living room.

Sakusa hesitantly took a seat on the soft grey couch, he trusted Osamu to be quite clean. He looked around the room and his eyes laid on the coffee table, covered in papers and tons upon tons of pictures that look to be from throughout the years of the Miya’s life.

“Can I get ya a glass of water? coffee?” Osamu said and god he sounded so much like Atsumu, damn that accent.

Sakusa took a breath. “Water, please.”

He sat in silence as Osamu got him water from the kitchen. Sakusa felt the weight crushing on his heart again and took a deep breath to try and get it to go away, at least let him get through this, save the drama for when he gets home.

Soon Osamu returned with two cups of water, he set them down on the small space on the coffee table that wasn’t covered in the Miya’s entire life.

“I’m sorry for the mess, I wasn’t expecting to see anyone today,” Osamu said, trying to pick up a few of the papers, “but it’s good to see you Sakusa.” he said as he set some of them aside with a small pitiful smile.

Sakusa felt bad for him, for Osamu was the one suffering the worst in all of this.

“It’s ok,” Sakusa said, of all things Osamu had to worry about right now, he knew organizing shouldn’t be one of them, “I don’t mind.”

Osamu finally sat down in the grey armchair, which of course matched the couch, across from him after settling most of the papers into a stack, leaving the pictures strewn across the coffee table.

“It’s funny how brutal winter can be. One moment ya standing under the heat of the sun and next yer caught up in an unexpected snow storm. Lost.” Osamu said as he fiddled with his fingers looking down at the cracks in his hands from the bitter cold weather.

Sakusa looked out the window, seeing bare trees and dead grass. “Yeah…”

“I’m sorry,” Osamu said, shifting in his seat, sitting up and refocusing his attention, “I shouldn’t speak like a book.” he said.

“I found it very mature sounding, it was nice. Poetic.” Sakusa reassured Osamu.

Sakusa wasn’t normally this vocal with people, nor did he share his kind opinions, his voice was usually used in a somewhat harsh manner, but at moments like this, he softens up a bit.

“Anyways, not to sound rude or anythin’, but why did you come?” Osamu asked as he looked Sakusa in the eyes. Sakusa could see the emotions that Osamu was keeping at bay, he knew Osamu was hurting and he knew he wanted nothing to do with pity.

“To talk.” Was the simple answer Sakusa had given him. Sakusa didn’t want to randomly bring up the subject so suddenly, he’d rather ease into it instead of just saying the name and cause Osamu’s facade to crack.

“I..” Sakusa started but held himself, thinking about his words before saying them, “I know you and I hadn’t been as close, but I wanted to talk to you,” Sakusa started, feeling the pain in his chest again, he took another deep breath,”I also want you to know that I’m here for you.”

Osamu sat for a minute or two in silence, unaware of what he should say back. “Thank you, that means a lot, especially since you and Atsumu, well, you had a unique friendship.”

“I really don’t mean to come into your home and bring up such a harsh subject. I know it’s hard.” Sakusa said as he picked up his water glass and took a sip, trying to settle the emotions in himself.

“Sakusa, I don’t need pity, really. I admit, it’s difficult, but this is only the beginning, it will hopefully get better.” Osamu said, smiling at him.

Even though Osamu doesn’t want pity, Sakusa still couldn’t help but feel bad. He read Osamu’s smile as a gesture to hide his sorrow, that made the pain in Sakusa’s chest grow.

“I know you don’t. I just want to talk to you, see how you’re doing and maybe,” Sakusa stopped himself again, hesitant, “maybe talk about him, just a bit.”

Osamu Shifted to sit on the edge of his chair, he scooped up a pile of the photos and shuffled through them, looking at each and everyone, not minding Sakusa’s attentive gaze on him.

“I know how ya feel about him,” Osamu said, his eyes shifting from the pictures in his hand to looking Sakusa in the eye, “It’s the same way Rin feels about me. Atsumu may have been oblivious, but I wasn’t. I could see it.”

Sakusa shifted in his seat, he felt odd getting told all of this, ‘so Osamu knew this whole time.’ he thought and he couldn’t help but feel stupid for letting his feelings be so visible.

“You loved him.” Osamu said, he held the pictures out for Sakusa to take, and he did. The stack of photos felt heavy in his hands and he examined them.

“I did.”

The photo on top was Osamu and Atsumu’s 3rd birthday, the both of them looked even more similar, but Sakusa could pick Atsumu out by his grin. Atsumu and Osamu were stood in what seemed to be the hallway of their house with a small birthday banner behind them.

“I know I’m not one to be very open about much of anything, but I feel the need to talk to you about him, and to tell you how I feel about him, since i’m unable to tell him.” Sakusa said.

To be honest, he felt extremely vulnerable at this moment. He was opening up to someone he wasn’t even all that close to about his feelings and he felt stupid, but if he had to tell anyone, Osamu is the only one who could understand.

“I’m glad ya trust me.” Osamu said as he watched Sakusa look at the pictures.

The next photo was of Atsumu, a more recent one, it was him holding up one of Osamu’s onigiri with a wide smile and rice on the corner of his mouth. Sakusa’s throat burned as he took another deep breath, the pain growing a little more. He reached for his water again and took a sip.

“Is it weird of me to ask for a copy of this?” Sakusa asked as he held the photo up for Osamu who shook his head. With that, Sakusa set the photo beside him, starting a stack of pictures he wanted. “I need to see his stupid face some how.” Sakusa said as he looked at the next photo.

Osamu chuckled, it lightened the mood a bit. “Don't we all.”

The both of them could hear the harsh cold wind picking up outside and beating on the windows, begging them to let it in.

‘It’s already cold enough in here.’ Sakusa thought.

Soon enough Sakusa found a picture of him and Atsumu, it was during the match against the alders. The photo shows Atsumu smiling at Sakusa.

it was so hard for Sakusa to not break right there, sitting on Miya Osamu’s grey couch that matched the sky outside and the feeling that settled in the room.

“He felt the same. He loved ya. He’d complain about ya for hours on end, telling me about all the shit you did that pissed him off but also the shit you did that made him fall even harder for ya.” Osamu said softly.

“I guess the both of us were oblivious.”

“at least you own up to it.”

Sakusa stared at the photo longer than the others, finding warmth in Atsumu’s smile amongst the cold,, and knowing that smile was for him.

“I wish I wasn’t,” Sakusa said, he was breaking, ”I feel stupid for not telling him,” his own facade was shattering, “I wish I had more time.” he was cracking, like thin ice under the heavy weight of his own regret.

“Sakusa,” Osamu started with a sigh, “ya didn’t know what was going to happen.” he said looking at Sakusa.

“I know I know, I feel dumb for being emotional. I’m sorry.” Sakusa said, still looking at the photo in his hand.

“I know ya don’t like to be vulnerable but it’s ok to be sometimes,” Osamu said. “I have been quite vulnerable lately with people, it’s been a change cause I too find it difficult to open myself up to other people.” Osamu said, picking up a different stack of pictures from the coffee table and started looking through them.

“This has been the hardest time in my life, and the fact that I have to face everything from now on without Atsumu, it hurts. I miss him a lot. I don’t know what i’m gonna do, I just know I’m lucky to have Suna by my side.” Osamu said as he shuffled through pictures.

“That must be nice. I have Komori, he helps a lot, but sometimes I feel like it’s not enough. I know Komori is trying his best and I appreciate it, he’s a great cousin, but I just feel like there is something missing-“

“Atsumu. He’s that piece missing for you. Family is nice and helpful but there’s just something about a soulmate, the connection is just so much stronger.” Osamu said, looking back up to meet Sakusa’s eyes.

“You really think we were soulmates?”

“yeah.”

Sakusa looked at the next photo, another of him and Atsumu, it was the night after a win and they all decided to go to a club, to Sakusa’s dismay. He could remember every detail, and he’s so glad he could.

“Omi, I’m surprised you joined us!” Atsumu said as Sakusa sat down next to him at their little group table with the team.

“Why do you insist on calling me that nickname?” Sakusa said as he turned his head to face Atsumu, looking into warm golden brown eyes.

“Ya know I like ta pull ya leg omi omi.” Atsumu said as he picked up a small shot glass and held it up before throwing the liquid down his throat.

“Take one omi, ya deserve it.” Atsumu pointed to the round of shots on the table for everyone to share.

Sakusa wasn’t very big on alcohol, after getting absolutely drunk once with komori and having the worst hangover ever, he no longer let himself go past 2 shots or a mixed drink.

Sakusa reluctantly reached across the table and took one and threw it back so he wouldn’t taste it much.

“Omi,” Atsumu started as he looked at Sakusa, “You really surprise me sometimes.”

“And?” Sakusa says with his typical blunt tone, but he’s warmed at the thought of Atsumu thinking about him and things that are different from his usual.

“I’m just sayin! Yer not as prickly as ya seem at first,” Atsumu said sincerely, “are ya warming up to me omi?” Atsumu said, there it is, in that tone that was sarcastic yet also had his twinge of flirtatiousness that he used when he was trying to get to Sakusa.

“Shut up Miya.” Sakusa said and with that grabbed another shot, if he was to sit next to Atsumu all night, he needed it.

“Aw c‘mon,” Atsumu said, turning his head to the dance floor, “let’s dance omi!”

“Absolutely not happening.” Sakusa said immediately, “there’s too many people, so close. Plus, I don’t dance.”

“Do ya know that one song from high school musical 2? The one where Ryan tries to get Chad to dance? guess what it’s called.” Atsumu said with a smug little grin as he peered his way into Sakusa’s personal bubble, but Sakusa had no intention of pushing him out.

“You watch american movies?” Sakusa asked, “And let me guess, it’s called I don’t dance.”

“Ding ding ding! yer right! ‘nother shot for you!” Atsumu said, scooting another shot along to the table in front of Sakusa.

“Are you trying to intoxicate me, Miya?” Sakusa asked but knew he would not get a good answer, “Two is enough for me, I’m done.” he pushed the shot away from him and towards Atsumu.

“I figured so, guess I’ll take it.” Atsumu said, downing it quickly. “Also, yer comin ta my place, you will be watchin high school musical.”

Sakusa sighed, why did the gods put him on the planet with a guy like this.

“Is it clean?”

“Wait? You’ll actually come?” Atsumu said, now turning his whole body to face Sakusa. Atsumu’s shirt was white, too tight, and had too many buttons undone. Sakusa hated himself for noticing.

“Don’t make a big deal out of it, and I won’t go unless it’s clean, so if it’s not currently clean then you better bust your ass home and clean it if you want me over that badly.” Sakusa said adjusting his mask on his face to make sure it stayed on.

“You’d be proud to hear that I cleaned it this morning actually.” Atsumu stated proudly with his nose up slightly, it made Sakusa Laugh in his head.

“I guess we’ll see, but if I walk in and see a single mess, i’m leaving.” Sakusa replied.

“You’ll see omi, I’m not a slob.”

Soon enough, Atsumu had proven himself. Sakusa walked into Atsumu’s clean apartment and he still couldn’t believe he agreed to come over just to watch some american teen movie.

“I told ya! it’s clean!” Atsumu said as Sakusa inspected the couch before ever so hesitantly sitting down.

“I guess you’re right.” Sakusa said as he looked around from his seat on the couch.

“I honestly want ya to see the ‘I don't dance’ scene real bad so we’re gonna watch the second one first.” Atsumu said as he looked through his DVD’s to find high school musical 2.

“But I won’t understand it if we don’t go in order.” Sakusa said looking at Atsumu like he’s stupid, which he is.

“It’ll be fine, I'll answer all yer questions!”

In no time, Atsumu’s long awaited ‘I don’t dance’ scene came on and of course Atsumu stood to sing along. Sakusa could help but laugh.

“Omi sing it with me!”

“I don’t know the words dumbass.”

“That’s why I put captions on! You sing Chad’s part!” Atsumu said as he continued to dance around the living room singing along. Yeah, he might be a little drunk.

Sakusa reluctantly mumbled as many words as he could but it was deemed not enough for the tipsy, borderline drunk Atsumu.

“Omi, Cmon.” Atsumu said with a wide grin as he held his hand out for Sakusa, trying to get him to dance.

“I don’t dance.” Sakusa replied.

“I know ya can!” Atsumu said, singing along.

“Not a chance, no.” Sakusa reluctantly sang as he took Atsumu’s hand and stood up but didn’t move anymore than that.

“There ya go omi!”

“Just sing the damn song Miya.”

“Hit it out of the park!” Atsumu said as he pretended to swing a baseball bat, making Sakusa roll his eyes.

“I don’t dance.” Sakusa said, swaying his body slightly to the song.

“I say ya can!” Atsumu said, moving his body like his life depended on it.

Sakusa shook his head with a slight smile hidden under his mask. “There’s not a chance, oh.”

“Slide home, you score, swingin on the dance floor.” Atsumu sang and took Sakusa’s hand, and to Sakusa’s own surprise, he let him.

Atsumu twirled him with a laugh.

“I don’t dance.” Sakusa said and the song ended.

Atsumu flopped onto the couch, tired from dancing all around the living room. “I enjoy this time with ya Omi.”

“I enjoy it too.”

Sakusa was snapped from his thoughts at the sound of Osamu setting his water glass on the coffee table. The thought of the memory making his chest sting with pain again.

“why do you think that? that we’re soulmates? does that even actually exist?” Sakusa couldn’t help but question it.

“Yer personalities were made for each other in a weird kinda way. Yeah, ya pissed each other off, but that's what really made you guys stronger. You could never hate each other more than you did before you got to actually know each other. Your relationship from then on was forever on an upwards incline.”

“Till it was suddenly cut off.” Sakusa let that slip from his head and out of his mouth.

“I know.” Osamu said looking down.

“Winter really is harsh this year.”

“I agree.”

They both sat in a calming silence, shuffling through photos.

Sakusa couldn’t help but let his mind wonder and his regrets grow.

If only he held on to him.

If only he told him how he felt.

If only he told him he loved him.

He wished he could relive nights spent with Atsumu, When Atsumu wouldn’t shut up. Practices with Atsumu, where he was always looking for ways to improve. Games with Atsumu, when Atsumu would call out his name and toss the ball, Knowing Sakusa would be there to slam it into the ground.

He wished for a lot of things, but these were his greatest wishes of all.

Sadly, you can’t bring the dead back to life.

Humans aren’t like the trees, the leaves die in the winter and come back in the spring, but Atsumu was not going to come back in the spring. He had fallen from his place on the tree and he wasn’t coming back.

Sakusa’s life was bare without Atsumu, he no longer had someone to waste his time with, knowing he would always answer Sakusa’s calls, texts, and come over whenever they had nothing else to do. Atsumu always made time for Sakusa, Atsumu had a big heart and he shared it with Sakusa.

Atsumu made Sakusa feel more human, He never cared about Sakusa’s thing with germs and was always cautious of Sakusa and made sure he felt comfortable, he was aware and considerate.

Sakusa’s mind was full of Atsumu, his head hurt and his heart ached and he couldn’t shake it off ever since he found out a few days ago. He hadn't felt this much sorrow before in his life.

He shuffled through more pictures. Pictures from Atsumu and Osamu’s birthdays throughout the years. pictures of Atsumu at random moments, and more of him and Sakusa. It hurt, Sakusa never bothered to take a picture of or with Atsumu, but Atsumu was always one to snap a random photo of them together. He should’ve taken more.

He found yet another of him and Atsumu, one that Atsumu had taken when very drunk, the photo was blurry but you could make out Sakusa’s not very pleased facial expression and half of Atsumu’s face on the left side. Another night at Atsumu’s, one that he didn’t know if Atsumu even remembered but Sakusa remembered it. Sakusa was good at remembering a lot of things.

“C’mere omi! I wanna show ya somethin!” Atsumu said as he stumbled into his room and made his way to his bookshelf, Sakusa followed close behind, in case the drunken Atsumu was to fall.

Atsumu examined the shelf, running his fingers along the spines of books set on it till he found the book he was looking for and plucked it out.

“This book! This is the one ya were talking about with me that one time and well, I read it.” Atsumu said, holding up the book with a smile as he leaned on the shelf for balance.

“You can read?” Sakusa said with a quirk of his brow to which he received a smack on the shoulder with the book.

“Yes I can read!” Atsumu said as he sat on his bed, scooting to the side so Sakusa could sit with him.

“I liked it. Especially the part where they finally see color for the first time and they are able to see everything as it truly is, I think it’s beautifully written and I loved it.” Atsumu said, rambling about the book as Sakusa took a seat next to him, their knees were touching but at this point Sakusa had forgotten to care, he had gotten very used to Atsumu and the light friendly touching. I guess you could say he trusted him.

“Yes, the writing style is unique, that’s also why I enjoyed it so much. It makes you think deeply.” Sakusa said, looking at Atsumu.

“It reminds me of ya.” Atsumu said, Sakusa had to remind himself of Atsumu’s drunken state.

“And why is that?”

“You’re unique and you make me think deeply.”

Sakusa wanted to strangle Atsumu for the words coming out of his mouth, he’s drunk, he won’t remember, he doesn’t even know what he’s saying.

“Shut up Miya.” Sakusa said, turning his head to the window, the faint sound of music filtered into Atsumu’s room from the living room.

_It’s harder and harder to get you to listen_

“I mean it omi.” Atsumu said shifting on the bed moving one leg under the other, a hand on the bed as he leaned on it.

_More I get through the gears_

“You,” Sakusa said, turning to face Atsumu again, “you are drunk.”

_Incapable of making alright decisions_

Atsumu sighed. “Drunk words are sober thoughts.”

_And having bad ideas_

“That’s something a drunk person would say just to get you to trust them.” Sakusa said with a huff, Atsumu’s golden brown eyes were looking at him, ripping away every wall and barrier between him and Sakusa just with his eyes. Sakusa was crumbling under Atsumu’s gaze.

_Now it’s 3 in the morning_

“Can I kiss you?”

_And i’m tryna change your mind_

Sakusa thought for a moment, till he hesitantly nodded and Atsumu’s hand made its way to his face. Atsumu’s delicate fingers grazed Sakusa’s cheek and slid down to wrap around his jaw lightly. Sakusa’s heart was racing, why did he say yes, why did he let it come to this, Atsumu doesn’t actually mean any of this, it’s the alcohol, it’s not him, it’s not Atsumu, it’s the shots.

_Left you multiple missed calls_

Sakusa turned his body more to face Atsumu, Atsumu’s other hand was placed neatly on Sakusa’s thigh as he leaned in.

_My message you reply_

“Is this ok?”

_Why’d you only call me when you’re high?_

“Yes.”

_Hi, Why’d you only call me when you’re high?_

Sakusa shut his eyes as he felt Atsumu’s warm breath on his lips and the smell of alcohol was so prominent he could practically already taste it.

_and I can’t see you here, wonderin’ where am I_

Atsumu’s lips met his, Warmth filling his body as he melted into Atsumu’s touch. He was helpless, Atsumu had him around his finger, he couldn’t say no, this is what he wanted, but he didn’t know if it was real. Sakusa felt like he was on fire, his mind was in shambles, his thoughts running wild.

_Sort of feels like i’m runnin’ out of time_

But Sakusa knew, even on Atsumu’s bed, kissing him as if his life depended on it, Atsumu would never remember, the amount of alcohol consumed would take this memory from his brain, robbing him of it. After this, everything will go back to how it is.

_I haven’t found all I was hoping for_

Atsumu was now on top of him, Sakusa’s back firm against the bed, one hand on the back of Atsumu's neck, the other laying on the bed above his own head. their movements flowed together, harmonious. Atsumu was conducting this symphony with his lips locked on to Sakusa’s, and his tongue down his throat. Atsumu moved his hand to interlock his fingers with Sakusa’s free hand.

_You said you gotta be up in the morning_

If only this meant something more, if only this could last years instead of one night. Sakusa couldn’t help himself, he had temptations and he fell to them, and this was the worst one yet.

_Gonna have an early night_

The heat between them made Sakusa sweat, they broke apart only for a few minutes to remove shirts and discard them onto the floor of Atsumu’s bedroom. Sakusa was being reckless and he knew he’d end up hurting himself doing this, because Atsumu would never remember.

_And you’re starting to bore me, baby_

Atsumu began to trail kisses down Sakusa’s neck making Sakusa breath heavily. Atsumu’s lips were hot against his cold skin, like a fire in the winter. His fingers were in Atsumu’s hair and Atsumu’s hands we’re running along his skin, all over his body making Sakusa squirm.

_Why’d you only call me when you’re high?_

Sakusa was staring at the picture, his eyes were practically burning holes into it. One night that meant absolutely everything to him, the other could never remember. No one else knows about this memory but Sakusa, and he couldn’t even share it with someone else without the fear of judgment, the fear that he’d break down into tears reciting what they did and how he never even got to tell Atsumu how he truly felt, and that Atsumu never knew.

He fucked him without telling him how much he fucking loved him.

He hated the feelings consuming him, burning in his chest, nesting there for the past 4 days and they haven’t left since. Ever since hearing the news Sakusa has felt like the world was falling apart around him, maybe he was being dramatic, he sure felt like he was, but it was all with reason.

Sakusa’s sleep has dwindled down to nothing, eyebags already making a permanent home on his face. He was shutting other people out, scared of other people seeing him so emotional, he felt embarrassed by it so he kept everyone at a distance, only ever letting komori come over and he had only picked up 2 of Hinata’s calls and answered Bokuto’s text messages a total of 4 times in the past 4 days.

He didn’t know how Hinata and Bokuto were handling it exactly. He tried to respond as much as he could, but sometimes he just couldn’t come to do it. He just couldn’t answer every text, every call, not because he was busy but because he didn’t feel like it. He felt bad, he knew they were hurting too, maybe he was selfish to not respond every time, he didn’t know what to say though. He doesn’t know how to deal with his own emotions or how to help himself feel better so how is he supposed to help others?

His words were never enough, and he knew that, even if they said that Sakusa was helping them he knew they were lying to make him feel better. Hinata had taken it pretty hard at first. The day after they found out, Hinata called him, bawling his eyes out which honestly brought tears to his own eyes. Hinata was rambling to him, mumbling and Sakusa didn’t know what to say, he just let Hinata talk and made sure he knew that he was listening. Sakusa felt bad for him.

Bokuto had only texted him, he figured Bokuto probably would’ve broken down on the phone too just like Hinata if he was to call. That’s probably why Bokuto had only texted, he was probably scared of sobbing on the phone and making someone feel bad.

Practices were canceled for the week but Sakusa felt like that wasn’t enough time, he couldn’t go back to living life the same in only a week. He needed more time, he needed so much time.

But no one would understand if he asked for more time. He would be questioned by everyone and they’d all pry into his brain, picking at it for an answer. If he couldn’t even admit to Atsumu about his feelings, why would he admit to anyone else?

Sakusa was scared, he was terrified. He didn’t know if he was going to be able to get over this or not.

He didn’t know how to get past this, he was never taught how to deal with this kind of thing. He hasn't faced death before, especially not like this. It sucks that Sakusa had finally gotten comfortable and gotten to know Atsumu just for him to be taken away from him.

Did he deserve this? Was this karma? Why does the best part of his life have to be stripped from him in a matter of so little time?

He shuffled through more pictures, finding one of Atsumu and Osamu on the opening night of ‘Onigiri miya’

“Shoyo! leave some for the rest of us!” Atsumu shouted across the table as Hinata was loading his plate with multiple onigiri.

Hinata responded with a wide grin as he placed one more on his plate.

Sakusa was sat between Thomas and Atsumu. Thomas was already engaged in a conversation with Meian so he turned his head to Atsumu. “As if you don’t eat the same amount.”

Atsumu’s head snapped towards Sakusa. “Shh omi! don’t expose me!” He said as he loaded up his own plate.

“You do that enough yourself, do we have to remind you of that one time you accidentally leaked your-“

“NO! DONT TALK ABOUT THAT!” Atsumu interrupted with a panicked expression.

“Why don’t we talk about it, I think it’s a very funny topic to talk about.” Sakusa said with a smug look hidden under his mask.

“Omi I swear to the gods.”

“Which ones?”

“DOES THAT MATTER?!” Atsumu said, throwing his hands up and slouching in his seat as if he had given up.

So yeah, sometimes Sakusa likes to rile Atsumu up and frustrate him just a little bit. Call it karma for all the shit he’s had to put up with from Atsumu.

He had to admit, Atsumu was attractive when he was frustrated.

Soon enough everyone was finished eating, they thanked Osamu for the meal and congratulated him on the restaurant as they all left. Sakusa and Atsumu stayed.

“Ya two gonna help me clean or somethin’?” Osamu asked, looking at the two of them.

“Just thought I’d annoy ya a little longer before walkin’ home with omi.” Atsumu said leaning over the counter.

“Well don’t, I’ve got a shit ton of cleanin’ ta do.” Osamu said, wiping the counter down.

“Fine fine, omi and I will go then! I’ll call ya later to make sure ya haven’t worked yer self ta death!” Atsumu said as he stood and walked to the door, Sakusa following behind him after saying goodbye to Osamu.

They walked down the street, their arms would rub against each other every so often, but neither really minded. Sakusa had warmed up to Atsumu so much the past few months, too much he thought. He was ok with the little accidental touching, he no longer would flinch and draw back sharply.

The walk was silent, the moon was rising higher and higher, the trees shook with the slight mid summer breeze that came through every now and then. The breeze would tangle itself in Sakusa’s hair and jostle it around before settling again.

Atsumu broke the silence. “I should probably tell Osamu that I’m proud of him more often.”

Sakusa hummed, unsure of what he should say.

“I feel like I don’t tell him enough, or do enough for him. I don’t want to miss out on anything all because i fucked up by not appreciating him enough.” Atsumu said, looking at his feet as he walked.

“Yeah, but I’m sure he knows you do appreciate him.” Sakusa said, turning his head to look at Atsumu.

“Yeah. I don’t know. I just want to make sure he knows. Just in case.” Atsumu said, his eyes were still focused on his shoelaces.

“It’s not like anything is gonna happen to him, and he definitely won’t disown you as his brother. Even if you are an asshole.”

“Omi!” Atsumu said, his head snapping up to look at sakusa, “I, I guess you’re kinda right though.”

“I was joking, you’re an idiot, not an asshole. I’m the asshole.” Sakusa said with a small smile that was kept away under his mask.

“I don’t think so.”

“You should, you of all people definitely should.” Sakusa said, looking straight in front of them at the path.

“Nah, ya just have yer own way of bein’ nice ta people and yer own way of dealin’ with things.” Atsumu said. Sakusa felt weird being ‘complimented?’ by Atsumu. Even after spending more and more time together and learning more about each other, Sakusa was still surprised that Atsumu didn’t think he was an asshole.

“Thanks I guess?” Sakusa said, not knowing what else to say, he’s not good at this kind of stuff. Sakusa isn’t much of a talker, he isn’t friendly, he doesn’t engage in pointless conversations. But Atsumu was drawing it out of him like a magnet, the force was a little too strong for Sakusa to resist the conversations they often had about random things.

Atsumu made him think about a lot of things he never really would consider before meeting Atsumu. Sakusa now thought about the stupid little shows and movies Atsumu would watch, the food Atsumu liked, the little habits Atsumu had, and sometimes Atsumu could drag Sakusa into a deep conversation about the mysteries of life and death and make him think deeply and dig into every fiber of his being to try and find an answer to a question he could barely comprehend.

Sometimes he thought Atsumu was smarter than him.

Atsumu had ideas, many ideas about the possibilities of what happens after life and why we are even living to begin with. It was all things Sakusa had never thought about till Atsumu brought up one night after a sad movie that featured the main role of death. They’ve had the same conversation a number of times.

“I think this is the best part of my life, I want to live in it forever.”

And here he was, bringing up the conversation again.

“Why?” Sakusa asked as his shoes padded against the sidewalk.

“I’m happy, really happy. I’m living my own dream, I have the best career I could want, I have amazing friends and family. I don’t want to move on from this moment. I don’t want to age.” Atsumu said smiling at the stars, his eyes were scanning the sky and Sakusa couldn’t help but take a mental image of him.

“You can’t stop aging.” Sakusa said bluntly. He was frustrated that he never had the best answers or responses to what Atsumu said. Words weren’t his strong suit, he didn’t know what to say so all he would say is some harsh remark to try and move the conversation forward.

“Maybe I can.”

“No. You can’t, It’s impossible.” Sakusa said, shaking his head at the loonacy coming from Atsumu.

“I just don’t want life to change, I don’t want to grow old and ugly and have joints so fucked up that I can’t play volleyball. I don’t want to lose any of the people around me either.” Atsumu said.

“They aren’t going anywhere anytime soon.”

“How do you know that?”

Sakusa didn’t know, he was making an educated guess that was based off of nothing but trying to get Atsumu to shut up at this point.

“Because I know everything.”

“No ya don’t Omi, If you did then you’d know what I was thinking.” Atsumu said and god Sakusa wished he knew what was going on in Atsumu’s head, he wanted to know everything, he wanted to know so much.

“I don’t want to know.” Yes I do.

“Good thing you don’t want to.” Cause you won’t tell me.

“I hate you.” I love you.

“I know.” No you don’t.

Sakusa felt every emotion in his heart tear at his insides, his stomach felt lopsided and his head couldn’t stand what was going on in his brain.

Time was such a fragile thing. When looking into the past you think it all went by so quickly, as if it never actually happened and you wish you had a book to tell you every detail. Sakusa would read Atsumu’s life every damn day if he could.

“I wish we had more time, I wish we knew.” Sakusa said aloud and Osamu looked up.

“I know, I do too. I wish I could’ve prevented it. I’m his brother, I was supposed to be there for him, but I wasn’t.” Osamu said and Sakusa knew that Osamu deep down blamed himself for what happened. Osamu would live with this guilt for a long time even though there was nothing he could have done.

“Don't be so hard on yourself. You’re just like him, always acting guilty. You’re not.” Sakusa said. he was trying his hardest to help Osamu know that this isn’t something he could’ve changed.

“Well I am his brother,” He replied, “I just feel like I should have stopped this from happening.” Osamu said, looking at the pictures in his hands. The loss of someone you’ve spent your whole life with must be hard, Sakusa wished he could help but he knows his words would never be enough to stop Osamu from Blaming himself. Osamu has to adjust to a whole new life without someone that he has practically spent every waking moment with since before he was even born.

“You did what you could, that’s all that matters.” Sakusa said removing the top photo and sliding it under the rest to reveal yet another memory, Osamu must’ve printed these from Atsumu’s phone because Sakusa sure is popping up in a lot of these.

“Omi, it’s yer birthday and yer not even gonna have a party?” Atsumu said as he kicked his shoes off of his feet in the entry of Sakusa’s apartment.

“I don’t like parties.” Sakusa said with his hands in his pockets as he led Atsumu through the corridor and to the living room.

“Komori isn’t even gonna come over?” Atsumu asked as he plopped himself onto Sakusa’s couch.

“His parents need him right now, there’s some stuff going on.”

“oh”

Sakusa dismissed it, he didn’t really care about his birthday so he didn’t mind that komori couldn’t be here, hell komori made a bigger deal out of it than he did.

“Well, I’m here to give you the best birthday ever.” Atsumu said with a grin.

“Correction, the worst.”

“Shut up you enjoy my company!” Atsumu said, sitting up and reaching into his jacket pocket.

“Do i?”

“Whatever, here’s a card.” Atsumu said, holding out a pale green envelope.

Sakusa took it and sat a few inches away from Atsumu. He gently ripped it open at the seam and pulled out a card, it was a picture of the team with a birthday banner reading “happy birthday sakusa”. It was sweet but honestly Sakusa felt embarrassed by it.

“Thanks, but why the banner.” Sakusa said, opening the card and looking inside to see notes from each of his teammates, he read them all till he noticed he didn’t see a note from Atsumu.

“Uh mine is in the envelope. We didn’t have much space on the card.” Atsumu couched and cleared his throat, oh yeah realllll smooth Miya.

Sakusa opened the envelope again and pulled out a folded piece of paper.

Sakusa,  
Happy birthday! Even though you bully me, you’re one of my favorite people I know, I guess bullying is just embedded in our friendship. I’m glad we’ve gotten to know each other over the past few years and especially the past few months. We’ve grown a lot, as teammates and friends. I guess I’m glad to know you :P you’re pretty cool when you’re not making fun of my hair, ok fine you’re always cool. Anyways, I hope you have one of the best birthdays ever, you deserve it, you deserve the world.  
-Atsumu

To be completely honest, Sakusa didn’t expect this. He didn’t expect Atsumu to write him a birthday note that consisted of more than 3 letters yet here he was reading half a page of Atsumu’s awful handwriting.

“I’m not good at giving gifts, I never know what people want, and i’m not good at writing either.” Atsumu said, looking at Sakusa with a smile.

“It’s ok, I didn’t expect much.” Sakusa said.

“Ah omi cut me some slack!” Atsumu said throwing his head back over the edge of the couch as if he was hurt, he’s so damn dramatic.

“It’s enough, I appreciate it, a lot. Thank you Miya.” Sakusa said with a small smile.

Atsumu’s head snapped back up at that and his warm brown eyes found Sakusa’s exposed smile, no mask was worn, for he trusted Atsumu.

“I wish I could see ya smile more often, It’s a good look for ya Omi,” Atsumu said standing up, “now let’s cut up that cake I brought!” Atsumu said, rubbing his hands together.

Atsumu removed the lid from the cake and nudged it in front of Sakusa, then pulled out two candles and a lighter, one candle was a 2 and the other a 4.

“I hate how extra you are, are you going to sing to me by yourself?” Sakusa said, rolling his eyes as Atsumu pushed each candle into the cake.

“Yes of course!” Atsumu said as he flicked on the lighter.

“Miya if you set my house on fire I’m going to strangle you.”

“That sounds tempting.” Atsumu said lighting each candle.

“I absolutely hate you.”

“Wait! let me get a picture real quick.” Atsumu said, and before Sakusa could protest Atsumu already had his phone out and was snapping a photo of him and Sakusa with the cake.

“This might be my worst birthday yet.”

Atsumu ignored Sakusa and started singing happy birthday. Atsumu was not a singer, that’s for sure, but Sakusa’s heart was still warmed at the thought. Atsumu was spending Sakusa’s birthday with him, even though Sakusa had told him it was fine if he was alone on his birthday Atsumu would not let him, he insisted on coming over and celebrating. Atsumu pushed his way into his life and refused to leave, carving out a space in his heart and calling it home, and Sakusa had done the same to Atsumu in his own little way, even if Atsumu hadn’t noticed.

When Atsumu finished his singing Sakusa blew out the candles and Atsumu clapped as Sakusa tried to wave the smoke away.

“ah I’m glad to see yer not too old to blow out the candles!” Atsumu said with a small laugh, a laugh that Sakusa wanted to hear for the rest of his life, one that brightened some of the darkest days, and of course the idiot usually laughed at his own jokes.

“I’m only 24. If I can still play volleyball then I can definitely blow out candles.” Sakusa said as he took the knife from the drawer and cut into the cake, it was chocolate, Atsumu knew him a little too well.

“I was jokin with ya omi, ya always so serious.” Atsumu said, both elbows on the counter and his chin resting in the palms of his hands.

“I know.” Sakusa said cutting two pieces and putting them on plates. He handed Atsumu one and took the other for himself as he walked to the living room.

“I’ll play some music, since of course my music taste is superior.” Atsumu said, already knowing how to connect his phone to the sound bar as he’s done it so many times before.

Soft pop jazz sort of style came on, Sakusa knew this song, as Atsumu has played it many times before, he knows Sakusa likes it.

_I’m just trying to make you see_

“You know I like this song, therefore this counts as my music taste too you know?” Sakusa said as Atsumu sat next to him on the couch.

_I’m just trying to make you see_

“I know, bruise cruise is a good song, who wouldn’t like it.” Atsumu said as he took a bite of cake from his fork.

 _Yeah_ , I need you to myself, babe

“People without taste.” Sakusa said, taking a bite of his own as he looked at Atsumu. He couldn’t help it, Atsumu was hard not to look at, He was a person who made everyone keep their eyes on him, without even saying a word.

_Yeah, I need you to myself, babe_

“True, good thing we have the same taste omi.” Atsumu said with a small chuckle as he looked up from his cake to look at Sakusa who was looking at him. Sakusa wondered if he knew, was he obviously? Could he tell that Sakusa’s feelings weren’t only skin deep, that he felt so much more than what he put on?

_Yeah, I need you for my health babe_

He wished he knew but he also didn’t, Sakusa was terrified of rejection. He’d never let someone in like this and he hadn’t felt this way about anyone else before. Usually he finds everyone disgusting and keeps them at a distance. Hell, at first that’s how he felt about Atsumu. But Atsumu forced his way in, He made Sakusa weak, Sakusa let his guard down and now he was stuck with Atsumu constantly in his head.

_I tried to dispel myself through the ether_

Sakusa continued to eat and so did Atsumu, they sat in comfortable silence as the song played on, letting it take the conversation for itself. Words weren’t always needed, they enjoyed just being in each other’s presence. Sakusa wished he could open up to Atsumu about how he felt but he was never good with words and he didn’t know how Atsumu felt so he kept it all to himself, if he wasn’t so scared, now would’ve been such a good time to tell him.

_But you make me wanna stay, so grey baby_

Atsumu finished his cake, he stood and picked up Sakusa’s plate that he had discarded on the coffee table once he had finished. Atsumu walked to the kitchen and rinsed them under the sink water quickly before coming back to the living room. The fact that Sakusa let Atsumu touch so many spaces in his home without feeling violated was a concern, Atsumu really had wiggled his way into his personal bubble and Sakusa couldn’t care less, to be fair, it was much more comfortable with Atsumu there.

_Stay so grey_

Sakusa no longer felt as alone as he had before.

_Won’t you stay now_

No one knew Sakusa had so many emotions, no one expected him to have such a soft spot for Atsumu, yet here Atsumu is, sitting a mere 4 inches away from him on his couch in his apartment. Sakusa had always felt alone, not interacting much with his peers while in school, all he’s really had was komori, but now he has Atsumu too.

_I’m just trying to make you see_

“Have you ever been in love?” Atsumu spoke up, looking at Sakusa. Why must he talk about this?

_I’m just trying to make you see_

“I don’t know.” Sakusa said, looking back at him. His hands were sweating, why was he sweating, his palms felt clammy and god he hated that so much.

_You make me wanna stay, so grey baby_

“I think I might be.” Atsumu said and Sakusa’s heart turned in his chest and he wanted Atsumu to shut his damn mouth so fucking badly. Why does he always bring up such awful conversations, he drags answers out of Sakusa. Sakusa felt like such conversations were illegal, as if they had a warning sign and everything, ‘caution, vulnerability!’ they should say.

_You make me wanna stay, so grey baby_

“Well, whoever it is, I wish them luck.” Sakusa so badly wanted to ask who, he had his own questions for Atsumu. He wanted to pry into Atsumu’s personal bubble just like how he has been doing. Rip apart every wall, every barrier, he wanted to know everything. But he was too scared to ask, Sakusa looked cold and careless but he had so many insecurities of his own, so many fears, so many things he wanted to know and so many things he worried about. Sakusa wanted to be the one who Atsumu loved but he was afraid that Atsumu would not say it was him.

_I’m just trying to make you see_

“Yeah, of course you do.” Atsumu replied, “ I don’t know how to tell them.” He said as he played his own fingers, as if he didn’t know what to do with himself. Sakusa felt stupid. Sakusa felt disappointed. Deep down, Sakusa was a coward.

_I’m just trying to make you see_

The music was fading out and the next song came on but Sakusa didn’t bother to listen to it, He was focused on Atsumu.

“Don’t ask me for help.” Sakusa said, He wasn’t good at this whole feelings thing so there was no way he could help Atsumu, especially if it was someone else.

“Oh trust me, yer the last person I’d ask for love advice with.” Atsumu chuckled and continued to pick at his fingers. Don’t mess up yer hands idiot, you need those.

Sakusa didn’t know what to say or do anymore, he didn’t want to know who Atsumu was talking about out of fear. The biggest germ he was afraid of was his own emotions, the emotions that creep up on him out of nowhere and make him feel like he can’t breathe and he can’t stop thinking and he didn’t want anything to do with anyone. If Atsumu was to say someone else’s name, his emotions would likely consume him and he didn’t want that, So he kept his questions to himself.

“I don’t understand why you bring that up with me when you know I can’t offer any help.” Sakusa said as his eyes watched Atsumu look back up at him.

“I don’t know, I mainly talk to Osamu about it but sometimes I feel like I bother him. I trust ya, so why not talk to ya about it. Even if you can’t help me.”

Sakusa set the picture in the pile of ones he wanted Osamu to copy for him. Sakusa had only now realized his oblivion, after being finally being told by Osamu how Atsumu felt and reliving that moment he noticed that Atsumu was trying to tell him how he felt, and he completely shut him down.

Regret set in the pit of his stomach again, stirring up more of his emotions as if there was a mixing pot in his chest.

He shuffled through more, finding many pictures he wanted. He was glad Osamu was kind enough to print some for him. Both Osamu and Atsumu had big hearts, hearts that would do anything for people they cared about.

Sakusa never thought he’d have such feelings for anyone in his life, he never thought he would fall in love and care so much about one person. He wasn’t the type of person to feel too many emotions, but Atsumu made him feel much more than he signed up for, whether he liked it or not.

He figured it was his time to leave, the sun was setting and he could see it through the window, the orange colors filtered their way through the window and into the living space. He set the photos down on the coffee table and stood from his seat.

“Ya leavin?” Osamu looked up at Sakusa.

“Yeah. It was nice talking to you, I’m glad I came to you, I feel like I understand Atsumu more than I did before.” Sakusa said and at that, Osamu stood up too.

“You’ve always understood him, I just have always known a little more.” Osamu said, walking with Sakusa to the door. “I’m glad you came over too, I’m glad I was able to tell you what Atsumu couldn't.”

Those last few words stung Sakusa a little more than he thinks they should have, but he just carries on slipping his shoes on and pulling his coat over his arms and onto his shoulders.

“Come back soon, maybe ya can have dinner with Rin and I.” Osamu said as he opened the door for Sakusa.

“Ok.” Sakusa said as he shuffled his way out of the door and into the hallway, already feeling the temperature change.

They said simple goodbyes and the door slowly shut behind Sakusa as he walked down the hallway and down stairs to the main hallway and out the door.

As soon as he stepped onto the sidewalk he was met with a bitter wind and cold nipping at his ears and nose, It whipped his hair all over his head and whispered in his ears.

Sakusa started his walk home, No need for a taxi as where he was headed wasn’t far from here.

He kept his head down, chin tucked into his coat and eyes scanning the sidewalk, watching his feet and the feet of those around him walk in different paces, avoiding eye contact with anyone passing by him. He knew he looked pathetic and he didn’t even want strangers to realize it.

He was hungry, tired, and emotionally drained. Going from barely feeling much at all to suddenly feeling all of this pain pulled every bit of energy from him and wasted it. The tears, the thoughts, the pushing people away, it made him exhausted.

Mourning was not something that was easy, it was hard on everyone, but everyone did it differently. Sakusa didn’t want to go home to his cold, quiet apartment. He wished he could hear Atsumu go on and on about something Osamu did, like he used to. Sakusa enjoyed his stories and how he over dramaticized everything. He missed the way Atsumu would laugh with Hinata, Bokuto and Meian, especially in bars and clubs after games when they’ve all had a little too much alcohol and their sentences never made complete sense but it was always funny nonetheless.

Sakusa felt bad for not expressing his appreciation for Atsumu. The amount of regret he has felt in the past few days, let alone the past few hours and was much more than he had experienced in his life before. regret was an emotion that overwhelmed him, he hated it, he wanted it to go away. Instead it wiggled its way into the hole in his chest that Atsumu left.

Sakusa’s face felt numb to the cold. He couldn’t stop thinking about it, about him, about how he found out, about how much he hated himself for not telling Atsumu how he felt.

The cold had stripped him of his senses, he had yet to notice the light tears on his skin till he felt them collect on his chin. He desperately wiped them away, trying to make it stop. He was being vulnerable, in public, crying. He hated crying, especially in front of people. He hated a lot of things, and though he said so many times, he never did truly hate Miya Atsumu.

Sakusa surprisingly felt more at home with Atsumu than when he was at his own apartment, alone.

Atsumu and Sakusa the past few months had started spending more time together, having lunch, dinner, random movie nights, playing board games. Sometimes Hinata and Bokuto would join, Sakusa appreciated their presence of course, but it felt even more deep and homely when it was just Atsumu and him.

The last thing Atsumu had said to Sakusa was a simple ‘see ya monday!’, but he never did see him Monday, or the day after that or the one after that, He won’t see him again.

He didn’t even get to give Atsumu a proper goodbye, goodbye that meant forever, Sakusa hadn’t even responded to Atsumu that night when he left. He just left and he shouldn’t have, he should have stayed with him, or at least said a goodbye back. Sakusa couldn’t even remember what he said to Atsumu before Atsumu said his own goodbyes. Now he was gone.

His home had been taken from him so suddenly and Sakusa didn’t know how to cope.

He wiped the tears from his face again, stupidly blaming his allergies when it obviously was not the cause.

He just wanted to go home. To be home. To feel at home. To see home.

How badly he wanted to feel Atsumu’s fingers on his skin again, Atsumu’s fingers warmed his cold skin every time he touched him, whether he meant to or not. Atsumu was the heat amongst the cold, warming his skin and his heart, but now all Sakusa felt was cold down to his bones and didn’t know how to get the warmth back.

The pain in his chest and his head rose again and he furrowed his brow as he continued to walk against the wind.

Soon street lights began to flicker on as the sun was engulfed by the horizon. Even with the street lights, Sakusa still felt like he was in the dark.

The sun had disappeared and the sky was pitch black, no stars could be seen due to all of the light pollution. Sakusa came upon a bridge, stopping himself in his tracks as he walked closer to the railing to see. It was one of the taller bridges in the city, one with rushing water and large rocks below it, the sound it made was calming in a way, it reminded Sakusa of the same sound his shower makes.

A warm shower sounded nice right now, any shower sounded nice right now. The winter air was bitter and dry, snow had yet to fall this year and he didn’t care if it would, all it did was create more of a mess. He watched rushing water split against the rocks, the water was slowly eroding the rocks, they probably used to be much bigger than they are today.

The pain in Sakusa’s chest was eroding him. Eating away at him, taking his heart with it, how selfish.

Sakusa removed his hands from his pockets and hesitantly gripped the railing.

This was a spur of the moment idea, if he actually put thought into it he would’ve stepped far from the railing. He didn’t know what he was doing, at this point he couldn’t understand himself anymore and he was becoming reckless. Reckless in a Sakusa Kiyoomi type of way. A type of reckless that doesn’t clean everything they touch and doesn’t think about the trillions of germs that coat everything around them.

He was too busy thinking about damn Miya Atsumu to think about germs.

Sakusa held onto the railing and leaned over, the nasty railing that was likely covered in all sorts of things that Sakusa hated. But with the one thing that meant the absolute world to him gone, the want for the things he once feared to consume him came and grew quickly.

So he let go.

He hadn't fallen this fast since the day he met Atsumu.

“I’m coming home.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing a true angst piece so I’d love to know what you think!


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